Nasty-Arguing vs. Worthy-Arguing: What’s your style?

Most if not all people I have counseled, don’t complain because they argue with their partner, they lament instead, they can’t argue well. I have yet to meet that person in my practice or personal life whom has ever proclaimed: “I like to end my arguments in full blown fights, the nastier the better, in fact, I enjoy the silence treatment I get or give after one of those. It is a pleasure to lose control over my emotions and say or do really hurtful things especially to those I love the most. My ultimate goal is to get childish […]

Nasty-Arguing vs. Worthy-Arguing: What’s your style?

Most if not all people I have counseled, don’t complain because they argue with their partner, they lament instead, they can’t argue well. I have yet to meet that person in my practice or personal life whom has ever proclaimed: “I like to end my arguments in full blown fights, the nastier the better, in fact, I enjoy the silence treatment I get or give after one of those. It is a pleasure to lose control over my emotions and say or do really hurtful things especially to those I love the most. My ultimate goal is to get childish […]

4 must-have approaches for heart-to-heart conversations.

Conversations are the most direct, effective and evolved form of communication among humans, yet, just talking to each other is not enough for heart- to heart parleys. Heart- to-heart conversations require skill and when dialogues are laden with what renowned couples’ expert, Dr. Gottman, refers to as the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse (Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and/or Stonewalling) relationships either don’t survive or if they do, they exist in misery. If you are saying to yourself right now, “…it’s my partner’s fault our conversations either don’t happen or they have bad endings” you may be absolutely right!, hence, to have […]

Divorce your wound, not your spouse.

How old wounds derive in dead end conversations and how to divorce the cycle, not your spouse. Most of us in long term relationships, dream on (always!) getting what we need from our partner. This is not realistic, yet, one of those infantile longings that just refuses to die. For this reason, couples fight; often. The distinct ways couples fight, however, reveals whether one, the other or both are skillfully responding to a current issue or using adaptations wrapped around unhealed old wounds, inflicted during formative years by parents, parental figures and or other key influential people/factors. An unhealed old wound is like a […]

Want peace in your world? Tame your amygdala first and practice interactive peace.

Verbal aggression among ourselves is a form of abuse; yet, we all do it on some level, failing to gauge the immediate damage and the future imprint. However, for the most part, I have yet to hear: “I want to inflict harm“, rather, what I hear is: “I don’t know how to do it differently“.  This is true but would you do it differently if you knew better? As a relational therapist, I spend several hours a week coaching people how to effectively transform difficult conversations into productive dialogue to quash aggression and give way to healthy paths of communication. I do this by teaching […]

Ever wondered what “climate” you bestow upon your marriage?

Our relationships deserve to exist in an optimum relational climate and each one of us has the power and the responsibility to generate it.  One of the top 3 Merriam-Webster dictionary definitions of climate is described as: The usual or most widespread mood or conditions in a place. Ponder for a minute, how the synergy of several variables in the atmosphere delivers our moment-to-moment climate conditions and how vulnerable we are to it. We are perpetual hosts of the world-climate’s will, a deeply humbling experience, yet, a necessary one, to keep abreast of our surroundings and (un)predictable factors in check. Conversely, when […]