Why I take sides as a couples’ therapist.

Taking sides in couples’ therapy has historically been seen as a big “no-no”. I’ve learned differently. Siding with nothing ensures no real or lasting change, just a feel-good moment with a very short half-life. A few years ago I met a married heterosexual couple in their 40’s. Upper middle class and with a few minor children in tow, they were both charming and well-liked in their community.  They came in because the husband had told his wife he wouldn’t partake in any more social gatherings with her. She was beside herself because socializing was a big part of their lives. […]

Why communication skills fall short.

“Can you help us”? Her face and her voice came through the screen as rushed. Every word seemed to pour out disorderly, with the urgency of someone to be heard and saved and the anticipation that neither such thing would take place. Her husband of 22 years, sitting by her side, looking to be saved as well, but as I’ve learned later, his interest was in finding someone to save him from having to “deal” with her. As a therapist and in the past 20 years, I’ve been asked that question multiple times. “Can you help us? And if so, […]

The Top 6 Relational Handicaps That Break Relationships and Bonds

Part of the new series “Relational Handicaps” and How To Transform Them. As a couples’, family therapist and addiction’s specialist, I spend a significant part of the day, working with couples, individuals, business leaders, vets and others who are undergoing their own painful versions of relational fracture and conflict, currently wreaking havoc in their lives. Their underlying goal is to figure out how to repair that break so that they can find relational harmony. No small task. We live in an ever-expanding context of global relational mayhem and from boardrooms to bedrooms we seem to fumble with the most effective […]

Ever wonder why when in distress, we are more likely to lose objectivity?

A conversation turns into an argument and oftentimes, in the blink of an eye, into a tit for tat all the way to a full-blown fight. In those moments, self-control goes out the window and a relational war can ensue. Objectivity then, gets relegated to entitlement: It’s no longer that ‘I am disappointed” it’s that “You are a selfish bastard!”. At this time, there is no resolution, all there is, is one or more dys-regulated brains looking to be rocked back to harmony. This whiplash-move, from talking-to to fighting-with, is partially affected by how well we manage a phenomenon known […]

Reacting to provocation will cost you your relationship(s).

Blaming “being provoked” for acting hastily ravages admiration and respect from any relationship. So if our hot buttons are poked, what is one to do instead? Living in a reactive relational stance, whether you do it more with your children, your partner, your co-workers or your constituents, etc., breeds mistrust, angst and anxiety for all involved. Dethroning that part of you calls for taking your self esteem to the mat. The reward is collective admiration, full respect-living and rich encounters. However, letting go of reactivity requires we abandon the very moves that have (seemingly) held our self esteem from shattering. […]

Nasty-Arguing vs. Worthy-Arguing: What’s your style?

Most if not all people I have counseled, don’t complain because they argue with their partner, they lament instead, they can’t argue well. I have yet to meet that person in my practice or personal life whom has ever proclaimed: “I like to end my arguments in full blown fights, the nastier the better, in fact, I enjoy the silence treatment I get or give after one of those. It is a pleasure to lose control over my emotions and say or do really hurtful things especially to those I love the most. My ultimate goal is to get childish […]

Nasty-Arguing vs. Worthy-Arguing: What’s your style?

Most if not all people I have counseled, don’t complain because they argue with their partner, they lament instead, they can’t argue well. I have yet to meet that person in my practice or personal life whom has ever proclaimed: “I like to end my arguments in full blown fights, the nastier the better, in fact, I enjoy the silence treatment I get or give after one of those. It is a pleasure to lose control over my emotions and say or do really hurtful things especially to those I love the most. My ultimate goal is to get childish […]

Want to strip your relationship(s) from harshness and contribute to purge it from the world? Face this question first.

No doubt we live in a world where harshness, the quality of being cruel or unkind, is often used to resolve conflict internally or otherwise. From our political world climate to our bedrooms, some of us tend to want to figuratively resolve issues “slap-cocking” it, one of the fastest methods used to draw the gun out of the holster and fire. Every time we do it or take it, we are polluting our human essence and creating a “gong” effect that if left unchecked, it sets the stage for unhappiness, discord and pain at best and relationship(s) chaos at worst= […]

4 must-have approaches for heart-to-heart conversations.

Conversations are the most direct, effective and evolved form of communication among humans, yet, just talking to each other is not enough for heart- to heart parleys. Heart- to-heart conversations require skill and when dialogues are laden with what renowned couples’ expert, Dr. Gottman, refers to as the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse (Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and/or Stonewalling) relationships either don’t survive or if they do, they exist in misery. If you are saying to yourself right now, “…it’s my partner’s fault our conversations either don’t happen or they have bad endings” you may be absolutely right!, hence, to have […]

Divorce your wound, not your spouse.

How old wounds derive in dead end conversations and how to divorce the cycle, not your spouse. Most of us in long term relationships, dream on (always!) getting what we need from our partner. This is not realistic, yet, one of those infantile longings that just refuses to die. For this reason, couples fight; often. The distinct ways couples fight, however, reveals whether one, the other or both are skillfully responding to a current issue or using adaptations wrapped around unhealed old wounds, inflicted during formative years by parents, parental figures and or other key influential people/factors. An unhealed old wound is like a […]